How to Deal With Difficult People: 5+ Effective Strategies

The key to dealing with difficult people is to prevent escalation, which can be best achieved through calm yet direct communication that focuses on solutions rather than finger-pointing. Everyone can encounter people who test their patience; in most cases, this tension stems from personality clashes and mismatched communication styles.

In this article, we’ll explain how to deal with difficult people, covering the best conflict resolution strategies, common mistakes, and Enneagram insights to help you communicate more effectively. Let’s begin!

What Makes a Person Seem “Difficult”?

Various factors can make a person seem difficult, including stress, conflicting communication styles, and personality clashes.

Let’s explore the main reasons why someone may appear difficult in greater depth:

• Stress. People behave differently under stress, which can make them more difficult to deal with. A study by Sandi and Haller found that while acute stress often leads to engaging in prosocial behaviors, persistent high levels of stress typically result in social withdrawal and aggression.
• Trauma. Unresolved trauma can cause people to become defensive, withdrawn, or controlling; they may perceive everything as a threat and react to emotional triggers with disproportionate intensity. A study by Pedone et al. also suggests that childhood trauma, and especially emotional abuse, increases the severity of maladaptive personality traits.
• Personality differences. Some people may seem difficult simply because they have different personalities and, by extension, needs and priorities. For example, if you’re a sensitive person, you may find it challenging to get along with someone who values logic over emotion and communicates bluntly, causing you to perceive them as difficult.
• Learned coping behavior. Maladaptive coping behavior that people adopt to maintain or regain a sense of safety and control can also make someone appear difficult. For example, someone who grew up in an unpredictable household may become controlling later in life. Alternatively, people with unresolved trauma may fall victim to substance abuse and addiction, which can make them unreliable and hard to cooperate with.
• Clashing communication styles. People who have a fundamentally different communication style may seem difficult to you, as it may feel as though you’re speaking two different languages. For instance, if you value direct communication, you might have trouble interacting with those who prefer subtle, indirect communication.

With this in mind, let’s find out how to deal with difficult people effectively.

6 Effective Strategies for Dealing With Difficult People

Some of the most effective strategies for dealing with difficult people include staying calm, avoiding taking things personally, listening before responding, and communicating clearly. Choosing your battles and setting personal boundaries can also help you reduce unnecessary conflict.

Here’s a more in-depth explanation of how to deal with difficult people effectively:

#1. Stay Calm and Regulate Your Emotions

Intense emotional reactions are bound to escalate conflict, which is why it’s essential to stay calm and regulate your emotions when dealing with difficult people. Plus, such individuals often feed on emotional responses.

If you notice yourself getting worked up when coping with difficult coworkers, friends, or family members, pause and take a deep breath to collect yourself. Maintaining composure in such situations can be hard, but it enables you to respond thoughtfully and intentionally.

#2. Don’t Take Such Behavior Personally

Difficult behavior usually stems from personal challenges, so it’s critical that you don’t take it personally. Otherwise, you may become defensive or lose your composure, which can only make things worse.

By learning that the behavior of difficult people reflects their needs, fears, and issues, you can create emotional distance, allowing you to see the situation objectively and respond strategically. Most importantly, it enables you to focus on solutions instead of getting caught up in the blame game.

#3. Listen Before Responding

When you’re dealing with difficult people, communicating effectively can be challenging, to put it mildly. They may interrupt you mid-sentence, twist your words, or point fingers at you, so you may be tempted to cut in and defend yourself. However, this rarely ends well.

Instead, listen attentively before responding, as this shows respect and helps the other party feel heard. In turn, waiting for your turn to speak can reduce conflict, or at least prevent it from escalating.

#4. Choose Your Battles

Not every battle needs to be fought, especially when dealing with difficult people. Unnecessary conflict can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being, which is why you should protect your energy and be selective about the disagreements you engage in.

While it’s essential to address critical issues, it’s okay to let minor arguments slide; they aren’t worth your time and energy.

#5. Be Clear and Direct

Clear and direct communication helps prevent misunderstandings and misinterpretations that can escalate conflict. As such, your best option is to express your needs and opinions using short, concise statements that can’t be twisted or taken out of context. This can also minimize the risk of getting trapped in endless conversations without resolution.

#6. Set Boundaries

Personal boundaries let others know how you want to be treated, helping you stay in control of the conversation, protect yourself from unnecessary stress, and prevent repeated conflict. Therefore, it’s critical that you identify what behavior, conversation topics, tone, etc., are acceptable to you, and what you won’t tolerate.

Keep in mind that setting boundaries with difficult people can be challenging, as they may test them. So, communicate your limits respectfully but firmly, and, if needed, enforce them through action rather than endless repetition.

Communication Techniques That Reduce Conflict

The most effective communication techniques that reduce conflict include using “I” statements, active listening, perspective-taking, positive body language, and solution-focused communication.

Choosing an appropriate time to address issues is also one of the most important conflict resolution strategies, especially when dealing with difficult personalities. Avoid discussions when either or both parties are stressed, distracted, or exhausted to maximize the likelihood of resolving conflict.

Here’s a more detailed overview of the best communication tips for dealing with tough people during conflict:

• “I” statements. A study by Rogers et al. suggests that I-language reduces perceptions of hostility, making it the best strategy for initiating a conflict discussion. So, instead of pointing fingers at another person, use “I” statements to express yourself when dealing with difficult people (e.g., “I feel frustrated when you interrupt me.”).
• Active listening. Practicing active listening helps other people feel heard, which can prevent conflict from escalating. To show someone they have your full attention, be present, allow them to finish their sentences, and ask clarifying questions.
• Perspective-taking. This communication technique fosters empathy and defuses tension by allowing you to acknowledge the other person’s emotions and point of view. You don’t necessarily have to agree with them; statements like, “I understand this is important to you,” can help you validate others, even if you disagree with them.
• Positive body language. According to a study by Francis Ojok, 93% of communication occurs nonverbally, yet this form of communication is often overlooked, leading to disconnection. As such, paying attention to your body language is key to managing challenging people and conversations effectively. Maintaining eye contact and an open posture alone can reduce tension.
• Solution-focused communication. Focusing on solutions rather than blame when dealing with difficult people reduces defensiveness and hostility, allowing you to shift the conversation from conflict to collaboration.

3 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Dealing With Difficult People

Below are three common mistakes you should avoid when dealing with difficult people:

1. Trying to change them. Assuming that you can change other people often backfires, as most individuals resist control and don’t want others to correct, fix, or change them into someone they are not. While it can be hard to accept that personal growth and behavioral change can only come from within, it’s important to realize this when handling toxic people to prevent unnecessary frustration and resentment.
2. Overexplaining yourself. Giving excessive details, clarifications, and justifications rarely, if ever, yields the desired result. More often than not, difficult people pull apart your arguments, arguing against them and nitpicking your words, which only prolongs the conflict. This, coupled with the fact that overexplaining can make you look insecure and defensive, is why you should keep your communication clear, concise, and direct.
3. Engaging in power struggles. If you enter a conversation with a difficult person with the goal of proving them wrong, you’ll almost always end up losing. This is because arguing to win triggers defensiveness and hostility instead of promoting collaborative problem-solving. Avoiding power struggles is especially critical when dealing with controlling people, as they may escalate conflicts to assert control and dominance.

How Personality Differences Influence Conflict

Personality differences can influence both the onset and the course of conflict. Simply put, personality clashes stemming from different preferences, communication styles, and values can both cause conflict and impact how it unfolds.

For example, an extrovert may expect open, immediate discussions. An introvert, who processes thoughts and feelings internally before sharing them, may not be comfortable with this approach, which can lead to conflict.

As the extrovert begins to perceive the introvert’s need for space as disinterest and the latter becomes overwhelmed by the extrovert’s demand for quick responses, conflict may escalate further. Understanding such personality differences can help prevent conflict and navigate it more effectively.

Using the Enneagram to Better Handle Difficult People

The Enneagram is a useful tool for learning how to handle difficult people, as it provides insight into the core motivations and fears that drive our behavior. Exploring different personality types, therefore, can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and others, leading to smoother communication and more harmonious relationships.

The table below summarizes how to deal with difficult people of every Enneagram type, and how you can better manage challenging interactions based on your own:

When Distance or Disengagement Is the Best Option

Distance or disengagement is the best option when dealing with difficult people who perpetuate toxic relationship dynamics despite your efforts to communicate calmly and constructively. If, for example, a friend repeatedly crosses your boundaries, it may be in your best interest to step back; such toxic friendships can gradually erode your self-esteem.

Although limiting communication or walking away can feel scary or uncomfortable, there’s no shame in it; after all, it’s your responsibility to protect your peace and mental well-being. Therefore, you shouldn’t feel guilty for letting go.

If anything, continued communication with such people will only reinforce the cycle of tension and miscommunication. Choosing to distance yourself interrupts this pattern, allowing you to regain inner balance.

Some signs that may indicate that it’s time to create distance, at least temporarily, include:

• Refusal to take accountability
• Lack of empathy and respect
• Repeated violation of your boundaries
• Constant negativity, drama, or criticism
• Inconsistent behavior (e.g., multiple broken promises)
• Manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and other forms of emotional abuse

In other words, if a person repeatedly makes you feel guilty, unheard, dismissed, anxious, or emotionally drained, staying in touch with them is likely to do more harm than good. Distance, on the other hand, gives you space and time to heal, evaluate your relationship, and determine the best course of action.

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Key Takeaways

Now that we’ve discussed how to deal with difficult people through and through, it’s time to summarize what we’ve learned:

• People may seem difficult due to stress, unresolved trauma, personality differences, and clashing communication styles.
• Staying calm, not taking things personally, listening before responding, communicating clearly, and setting strong boundaries are the most effective strategies for dealing with difficult people.
• Avoid overexplaining yourself, engaging in power struggles, and trying to “fix” difficult people; instead, practice active listening, perspective-taking, and “I” statements to reduce conflict.
• If all else fails, don’t hesitate to limit contact with difficult people; your peace of mind should always be your top priority.

How to Deal With Difficult People FAQ

#1. Can you change a difficult person?

You cannot change a difficult person unless they decide to change themselves. Personal growth requires self-awareness, willingness, and commitment, meaning it can’t be forced. Because of this, it’s better to learn how to deal with difficult people than try to change them.

#2. How do you stay calm around difficult people?

To stay calm around difficult people, avoid taking their words and behavior personally or letting emotions carry you away. Instead, pause and take a breath to regulate yourself. Keep your responses short to avoid escalating the situation, and, if needed, set boundaries or disengage altogether.

#3. What causes a difficult person?

A person can become difficult due to various causes, ranging from stress and personal problems to trauma, insecurity, and unhealthy coping strategies. While knowing the root of their behavior can help you remain compassionate, remember that it doesn’t excuse toxic actions, and it’s not your responsibility to fix other people.