What is Gaslighting? How to Recognize It and Protect Yourself

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that can happen to anyone. Psychology describes it as a process in which someone tries to manipulate you by making you question your perception of reality.

The harmful effects of gaslighting are many and make it even more difficult for victims to leave an abusive relationship because they may not even be aware that they are being gaslit. Unfortunately, this type of emotional abuse is quite common in romantic and professional relationships, which is why it is important to recognize it.

In this article, we’ll explain in detail what gaslighting is, how to recognize it, and how to use the Enneagram test and theory to protect yourself. Let’s dive in!

What Is Gaslighting and Why Does It Happen?

Gaslighting refers to deliberate attempts of manipulation in which a person or a group makes you question your perception of reality, memory, or feelings. Common gaslighting behavior includes denying events, shifting blame, and making the victim feel overly sensitive or irrational.

The origin of the term gaslighting provides an excellent explanation of what gaslighting is. Namely, in the 1938 thriller play Gas Light, written by the British novelist Patrick Hamilton, a husband convinces his wife that she is going insane by dimming the gas lights and denying that the lighting has changed.

The wife in the play gradually begins to doubt the correctness of her thoughts. She becomes confused, loses self-confidence, and becomes emotionally and mentally unstable and dependent on her deceiving husband.

The visual association of gas lights gave birth to the verb ‘gaslighting,’ which in modern English is interpreted as knowingly and maliciously deceiving others for personal gain.

So, the essence of gaslighting is making the other person feel like they are delusional by influencing the way they think and feel, intending to control their behavior. In the background of this kind of psychological abuse is the desire to manipulate, possess, or completely manage someone else’s life.

Gaslighting is often one of the symptoms of narcissism, borderline personality disorder, or psychopathy. However, it is not uncommon for perfectly healthy individuals to use gaslighting to manipulate others, but in extreme forms, it usually is a part of a personality disorder.

6 Different Examples and Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting takes many forms, but what’s common for all types of gaslighting is that manipulative tactics are very subtleand, therefore, hard to recognize. Here are some of the most typical types of gaslighting:

#1. Trivializing Feelings

Perpetrators typically minimize or trivialize the victim’s feelings, telling the victim that they are being overdramatic and exaggerating the situation.

They may say things like:

• ‘You’re too sensitive’
• ‘Do you hear yourself?’
• ‘Stop acting insane’

These and similar remarks aim to invalidate your feelings and confuse you so that the perpetrator can control your feelings and thoughts.

#2. Withholding Information

Perpetrators make you question your memory, make up new details, or deny that something has happened, making you feel guilty all along. This way, they ensure you feel incompetent so that they can make decisions for you.

#3. Diverting

This refers to changing the subject of the conversation too often to make you lose track of what you wanted to say and prevent you from having the conversation you wanted to have with them. This is one of the ways the perpetrators avoid acknowledging your perspective.

A typical example of diverting can be a statement like: “Why would you even be here if you think that of me?”. The point of this kind of remark would be to divert you from your initial accusation and shift the subject of the conversation to you and your behavior, not theirs.

#4. Denial

Gaslighters can deny specific events or something they most surely said by claiming they can’t remember what happened. This is one of the tactics used in gaslighting to make the victim second-guess themselves.

#5. Stereotyping

Stereotyping is so common that it can be very hard to connect it with gaslighting, which doesn’t make it any less harmful. It comes in the form of statements like:

• “Oh, all women are so hysterical about these things…”
• “Men shouldn’t be so sensitive…”

The point of stereotyping is to undermine the victim, take their credibility away, and make them look ridiculous in public.

#6. Countering

Countering is when the perpetrator makes you question your memory or recollection of events with simple remarks like “Are you sure that’s how it was?” or “You know you can’t rely on your memory”. This is another way they manipulate you into disregarding your perception of reality and holding on to theirs.

#7. Cognitive Dissonance

Experiencing cognitive dissonance is common for victims of gaslighting as they struggle to reconcile the manipulator's false narrative with their own memories and feelings.

How and Where Can Gaslighting Occur?

Gaslighting can happen in any kind of relationship, though it is most likely to occur in emotionally charged connections. That said, let’s take a look at the most common contexts in which gaslighting occurs:

#1. Workplace

Gaslighting at the workplace is usually motivated by rivalry and a desire for dominance. It may come from managers, coworkers, and even subordinates. Perpetrators use it to create a competitive edge by making others doubt their abilities. Gaslighting at work is also often a way to avoid accountability and shift blame.

#2. Friendship

In friendship, gaslighting is most often motivated by jealousy and insecurity. A friend who feels unworthy and wants to compensate by dominating the other friend may use gaslighting to keep the other person dependent and in an inferior position.

#3. Relationships

Gaslighting in relationships is driven by insecurity, desire for control, and power or avoidance of responsibility. The gaslighter in the relationship may subtly yet constantly remind the other person of their flaws through seemingly benevolent jokes. The point of such comments is to demean the other person’s self-confidence gradually.

Gaslighting in marriage is particularly damaging because it often occurs over years, leaving the victim feeling isolated and powerless within what should be a supportive relationship.

#4. Parenting

Though it doesn’t seem likely to happen as in other types of relationships, gaslighting is very common in parenting, particularly when parents have narcissistic traits or are emotionally immature.

These parents dismiss the child’s feelings, labeling the child as being overly dramatic, demonstrating typical narcissistic abuse. They also highlight the child's mistakes while rarely praising them, keeping the child in a dependent position.

Gaslighting can have very detrimental effects on child development, making the child feel powerless, exploited, and like there’s no other choice in life but to be either the victim or the perpetrator of psychological abuse.

How to Know if Someone’s Gaslighting You

Gaslighting is not always easy to recognize because similar behaviors are a usual part of our life routines. For example, people often confuse gaslighting with the other person simply insisting on their own perspective. It is important to understand that gaslighting is a repetitive pattern, not an isolated incident.

The first sign that you have become a victim of gaslighting is doubting your feelings and wondering whether you’re being too sensitive or not sensitive enough. You may feel like you have to walk on eggshells around the other person who gaslights you so as not to provoke a reaction or criticism from them.

You may also feel like you have been deprived of any decision-making power because the perpetrator often manages to convince those around the victim that something is wrong with the victim.

Although the perpetrators of gaslighting are most often considered narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline personality types, they are also very skilled social ‘chameleons’ and typically perceived as charming people in their environment.

This fake image of the perpetrator only makes the position of the victim more difficult because people are more likely to trust people who they find charming than the victim who is portrayed as ‘unstable’.

Sometimes, it takes a long time before the victim decides to seek help and starts to question whether they are as unstable as the perpetrator wants them to believe. Since the perpetrator has manipulated not only the victim but also the public, the victim typically feels like no one would believe their story if they told it since emotional abuse and psychological manipulation are hard to prove.

Typical Signs of Gaslighting

If you feel, think, or react like this, there’s a high probability you’re being gaslit:

• Doubt yourself and constantly question your feelings, thoughts, and reactions.
• Apologize too often, both when there is a reason for it and when there is no reason for it
• Struggle to make decisions.
• Generally feel unhappy, confused, and like you’re not the person you used to be.
• Avoid close people because you don’t know how to explain what’s happening to you.

How to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting

Gaslighter plays on one’s sense of self-worth and perspective, so the basic protection against gaslighting implies having very stable and healthy self-respect and sense of self-worth. Here are a few more effective strategies for protecting and dealing with gaslighting:

#1. Learn How to Recognize It

The essence of gaslighting is manipulation, so if you feel you’re being used by someone, that could indicate gaslighting.

Moreover, if you always have to question your judgment beside someone, focus on whether that person does something that propels you to second-guess yourself continuously. Understanding the signs of gaslighting we mentioned in one of the previous sections will help you recognize them in real life, thus allowing you to avoid them.

#2. Trust Yourself

For a gaslighter, the goal may be to cause you to develop an emotional dependence on them slowly. This creates enormous internal confusion, destroying your ability to trust yourself and your memory.

To combat this, be firm in believing what you feel deep down. Rely on your instincts and gut feeling even when it goes against common judgment. Own your perception, and don’t allow others to tell you how you feel. You say for yourself how you feel and stay true to your feelings.

#3. Journal Regularly

To ground your belief in your truth, it can be helpful to write down things that happen. Keep a journal of your experiences and get in the habit of reviewing your notes. Note what happens. A journal is a great way to track what happens over time. This will help you be sure of what you know to be true.

#4. Seek Professional Help

Confide in friends and close family members, as they should be able to assess whether your assumptions about being gaslit are rational. When gaslighting takes the form of abuse that disrupts your daily functioning, seek professional help.

If you’re subjected to this form of manipulation, it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. Dealing with any type of emotional abuse is not easy, but bear in mind that there’s always a solution, and don’t hesitate to ask for professional help.

Enneagram and Gaslighting

The Enneagram test and theory represent a holistic approach to understanding personality. Enneagram classifies people into nine personality types according to their core motivations, strengths, fears, and weaknesses.

It focuses more on the inner psychological landscape of each type than on their observable traits and can provide useful insight into how susceptible each type is to gaslighting or how likely each is to be the gaslighter.

So, as for which Enneagram types are the most likely to gaslight others, these would be Eights, Threes, and it may come as a surprise - Twos.

Eights are hungry for power, and when they are unhealthy, they very easily resort to unethical ways to fulfill their desires.

The desire for success may so blind unhealthy Threes that they use any tactic they can to ensure their victory, easily sacrificing their relationships and abusing other people along the way.

Meanwhile, unhealthy Twos can be the most calculated and subtle gaslighters among these three types, as they are exceptionally intuitive and easily ready for others' needs. When unhealthy, they use their insights to manipulate others emotionally, not to help them like usual.

The types that are the most susceptible to gaslighting are Nines and Ones. Nines are susceptible because they prioritize harmony over their own perceptions. Since they want to avoid conflict at all costs, they easily accept others’ inadequate behaviors.

Ones can be gaslit because of their tendency to blame themselves for everything and feel responsible for everyone. Gaslighters manipulate them by triggering their inner critic and making them feel guilty about things that may have only a passing connection to them.

Are You Susceptible to Gaslighting?

Do you feel vulnerable in relationships or want to improve your connection with others? Understanding your Enneagram type can help you recognize and overcome the weaknesses that make you prone to gaslighting.

Moreover, the Enneagram test is an excellent tool for personal growth in every area of your life!

Embark on a journey of self-discovery today!

Key Takeaways

We hope this article answers the question of what gaslighting is. To make sure you understand the essence of gaslighting, let’s resume by pointing out the key insights:

• Gaslighting is a complete trivialization of another’s feelings and identity with the goal of controlling, manipulating, or dominating the other person.
• Gaslighters usually have narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline personality traits and aren’t easily recognized since they can be very charming and well-adapted into society.
• Recovery from gaslighting takes time as the victim needs support to rebuild their identity and confidence in their own perception and judgment.
• Learning how to deal with gaslighting involves trusting your instincts, recognizing signs of emotional manipulation, setting clear boundaries, and seeking support from trusted friends or therapists.

What is Gaslighting FAQ