Emotional Perfectionism: A Dive Through the Enneagram Lens

Emotional perfectionism is a tendency to expect yourself always to feel only specific, socially acceptable feelings and react ideally to every situation.

Understanding emotional perfectionism through the Enneagram lens can help us detect it in ourselves and others. More importantly, the Enneagram can help us overcome it.

In this article, we’ll explain in detail what emotional perfectionism is, its source, signs, and how it uses the Enneagram test and theory as a framework.

Let’s dive in!

Key Takeaways

• Emotional perfectionism is a psychological pattern based on the belief that we should always feel in a specific way and suppress undesirable emotions such as anger, envy, grief, or pain.
• The origin of emotional perfectionism is usually in childhood trauma or some kind of emotional conditioning.
• Signs of emotional perfectionism include unrealistic emotional standards, overthinking, emotional burnout, and black-and-white thinking.
• Every Enneagram type can develop emotional perfectionism, but each manifests it differently.

What Is Emotional Perfectionism?

Emotional perfectionism is based on the belief that only certain feelings are acceptable, and it often comes hand-in-hand with toxic positivity. For example, a person may believe they mustn’t feel scared, angry, or sad, even in situations where such feelings would be justified.

Depending on the personality type, cultural influences, and upbringing, emotional perfectionism may be expressed through different values and beliefs.

In collective cultures, for example, emotional perfection implies being unselfish, compassionate, and collaborative. In individualistic cultures, it may mean being assertive, independent, and extroverted.

Nevertheless, regardless of how it is expressed, emotional perfectionism has an unrealistic aim of controlling and suppressing authentic emotions. Therefore, since it prevents us from experiencing the full range of our feelings, it can significantly impact personal growth and hinder the development of mature, healthy coping mechanisms.

What’s the Source of Emotional Perfectionism?

In most cases, emotional perfectionism stems from childhood wounds, a lack of emotional attunement between parents and the child, and transgenerational family patterns.

Some children were directly encouraged to keep their unpleasant feelings to themselves and not ask for comfort, understanding, or protection. In other cases, emotional conditioning was more subtle. For example, parents might have only given their child their full attention when the child was brave, successful, happy, or showing other emotions that the family valued.

Sometimes, children were punished for showing fear, being sad, or displaying ‘undesirable emotions,’ so for them, emotional perfectionism became a way to avoid punishment. In adulthood, this may be expressed as a belief that others will scorn you if you show any weakness or that you’re not a good person if you feel sad.

What Are the Signs of Emotional Perfectionism?

The Enneagram test and theory recognize emotional perfectionism in various forms due to the wide range of behaviors each type can exhibit.

Here are the most typical emotional perfectionism symptoms:

#1. Unrealistic Emotional Standards

Emotional perfectionists believe they should always be calm, kind, strong, happy, or compassionate. They criticize and judge themselves whenever they feel unpleasant or socially undesirable emotions such as rage, sorrow, fear, or resentment. As a result, these people may sometimes seem a bit ‘robotic’ since it is not natural to experience only specific emotions.

#2. Overthinking

Overthinking is often a result of ‘underfeeling,’ meaning that people who overthink actually try to avoid experiencing specific emotions by overanalyzing them. Since emotional perfectionists suppress so many feelings, it is logical that they are prone to overthinking.

Furthermore, emotional perfectionists often engage in extensive rumination about whethertheir feelings are ‘correct’ or ‘desirable.’ These overthinking patterns are motivated by the desire to fix the ‘bad’ feelings and become ‘emotionally perfect’ again.

#3. Emotional Burnout

Since they constantly monitor, analyze, and control their feelings, emotional perfectionists are highly prone to emotional exhaustion. The pressure to always feel and behave in a certain way drains their psychological resources and activates all their defense mechanisms. So, they inevitably end up exhausted and often experience clinical depression.

#4. Black-and-White Thinking Patterns

Emotional perfectionists categorize their feelings as either ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ They live in a black-and-white world in which shades are seen as anomalies. Some typical examples of emotional perfectionism characterized by black-and-white thinking are individuals who see themselves as strong or weak, kind or cruel, hardworking or lazy, and so on, with no in-between.

The Burden of Emotional Perfectionism

People who are prone to emotional perfectionism can go through life without obvious, major disruptions in everyday functioning for a long time. However, the pressure of ‘always having it together’ eventually drains them, and, in most cases, they begin to experience significant difficulties in daily functioning in their late twenties, at the earliest, or in middle age, at the latest.

That’s because this kind of emotional pattern triggers significant self-criticism and anxiety, which, at some point, becomes overwhelming.

As a result, emotional perfectionists may resort to sedatives and similar medicines that help them stay ‘perfect’ and suppress chronic shame for having ‘bad’ emotions.

Furthermore, depending on their personality type, these people may even develop addictions, different affective disorders, or clinical depression. In addition, emotional perfectionism and OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) are also closely connected.

What makes their lives even more complicated is the strain that emotional perfectionism puts on their relationships. Since these individuals aren’t in touch with their feelings and deny many of them, emotional intimacy becomes mission impossible. As a result, people around them slowly distance themselves because the real bond of friendship continuously fails to develop.

They may establish some kind of emotional closeness with other emotional perfectionists, but these connections are usually full of silent competition in the ‘being emotionally perfect’ discipline.

So, while emotional perfectionism isn’t any kind of medical condition or psychiatric diagnosis, it leaves a heavy mark of loneliness, isolation, and self-rejection. Additionally, it may contribute to the development of specific psychological disorders if not recognized and addressed in a timely manner.

How to Overcome Emotional Perfectionism

Overcoming emotional perfectionism is possible and necessary. Here are some tips that can help you address emotional perfectionism and work on overcoming it:

#1. Identify the ‘Forbidden’ Feelings

Identifying the feelings that you aren’t allowed to feel is the first, inevitable step in overcoming emotional perfectionism. When you identify those feelings, write them down and try to think about how you were discouraged from feeling and/or expressing them, as well as how it makes you feel when you have to hide them.

This way, you’ll understand how emotional perfectionism became part of your thinking and feeling patterns and what its purpose was.

#2. Understand the Purpose of Emotional Perfectionism

Think of your emotional perfectionism as a shield that you have used to protect yourself from perceived threats.

For example, some personality types use emotional perfectionism to protect themselves from being manipulated, believing that if they don’t show specific ‘weak’ emotions, others will not be able to take advantage of them.

Thus, the ‘forbidden’ emotions can help you understand what you’re protecting yourself from and move on to finding more effective, healthier protective mechanisms.

#3. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express All Emotions

Understanding how you became an emotional perfectionist will help you gradually learn how to express all of your emotions. However, this does not imply that you should make an emotional scene in a supermarket or let your anger get the better of you because of some unpleasant memories.

It means that you need to acknowledge your feelings without self-criticism and judgment and learn to sit with the discomfort that those feelings come with. You will also notice how your capacity for compassion and self-compassion grows when you accept all your feelings.

#4. Talk With Someone You Trust

When you have learned to acknowledge and accept your emotions and are conscious of your emotional perfectionism pattern, it is time to strengthen your relationships with other people.

So, select a friend or a family member you can trust, and tell them about the feelings you struggled with. If you think there isn’t a person you can talk to in your environment, don’t hesitate to ask for help from a psychological counselor, psychotherapist, or other kind of mental health professional.

How Does Emotional Perfectionism Show for Each Enneagram Type

Each Enneagram type can develop emotional perfectionism, but how they express it is unique.

Now, let’s see how emotional perfectionism manifests in every Enneagram type:

Enneagram 1—The Perfectionist

Type One is highly prone to emotional perfectionism because they are driven by the need to be perfect in every sense—social, ethical, personal, and professional. Ones strive for emotional purity and believe they should always be kind, rational, and collected. This implies they have to suppress many emotions, particularly different kinds of anger.

Enneagram 2—The Helper

Twos’ emotional perfectionism is most often expressed in the form of people-pleasing. Driven by the need to be loved, they believe that pleasing others is the way to earn that love, so they focus on understanding and satisfying others’ needs. Their emotional perfectionism is reflected in their belief that only if they cater to others’ needs perfectly can they be accepted.

Enneagram 3—The Achiever

In Achievers, emotional perfectionism may be represented as a need to always maintain an image of confidence, competence, and superiority. Ambitious and dependent on external validation, they tend to focus too much on success, believing that no one would respect them unless they are ‘winners.’

Enneagram 4—The Individualist

Fours are one of the Enneagram types that are less prone to emotional perfectionism. However, when they develop it, it usually revolves around the belief that they have to feel deeply about everything in life. For example, an unhealthy Individualist may believe that love has to be movie-like romantic or that their friends have to be their kindred spirits.

Enneagram 5—The Investigator

Investigators aren’t interested in emotions and are more focused on controlling their feelings than experiencing them. Therefore, their emotional perfectionism may manifest as intellectualization, rationalization, and excessive overthinking. Their primary goal may be to achieve perfect emotional control rather than to make a specific impression, like in Threes, for example.

Enneagram 6—The Loyalist

Loyalists, driven by the need for security, may idealize tradition, rules, and social norms. Their emotional perfectionism may be driven by the need to conform to society, family, or corporate values and avoid all conflicts. That’s because the sense of community is one of their most important sources of security.

Enneagram 7—The Enthusiast

Sevens are highly prone to toxic positivity, which can be one of the manifestations of emotional perfectionism. Driven by the fear of feeling pain, sorrow, anger, and any other unpleasant emotions, Enthusiasts may try to maintain a permanently happy emotional state and free themselves of any kind of frustration.

Enneagram 8—The Challenger

Similarly to Threes, Challengers are prone to focusing on maintaining an image of invulnerability, strength, and power. However, unlike Threes, who do that to project a perfect social image, Challengers believe that’s the best way to protect themselves from being manipulated.

Enneagram 9—The Peacemaker

Nines strive to maintain peace at all costs because their core motivation is to ensure harmony in their environment and avoid confrontations, which makes them highly prone to emotional perfectionism. Similarly to Twos, they use their intuitive abilities to read and satisfy others’ needs, neglecting their own feelings along the way.

So, emotional perfectionism in Nines manifests as an exaggerated archetype of Everyman, who complies with everything and never shows any sign of dissatisfaction or rebellion.

Ready to Overcome Emotional Perfectionism?

Take our free Enneagram test, find out your Enneagram type, and learn how to recognize the emotional and thought patterns that limit your growth!

Final Thoughts

While it’s easy to understand a perfectionist as someone who strives to achieve impossible standards at work, in education, or in appearance, emotional perfectionism comes in more subtle forms.

It involves imposing impossible standards about how we should feel, disconnecting us from our authentic needs. This disconnection is the most problematic aspect of emotional perfectionism. However, with the help of the Enneagram test and theory, we can find our way back to our true selves and learn to avoid unhealthy emotional patterns.