What Is Limerence? Signs, Causes, and Ways to Overcome It

Limerence is a zealous and involuntary feeling of obsession with another person, also known as the limerent object. This isn’t merely an emotional experience but a cognitive and physical state as well.

This phenomenon is characterized by the idealization of the person you long for and the uncertainty that they reciprocate your feelings. In this sense, it differs from love, which steadily grows through mutual understanding, shared experiences, genuine care, and deep connection.

In this article, we’ll thoroughly explore the concept of limerence in psychology, analyzing its stages, causes, and symptoms. In addition, we’ll offer some helpful tips on how to overcome limerence and explain whether the Enneagram test and theory altogether can be connected to this feeling.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a psychological state of involuntary obsession with another person, or the limerent object. They can be someone you interact with, such as a coworker or an acquaintance, or a complete stranger (for example, a celebrity with whom you may form a parasocial relationship).

The term “limerence” dates back to 1979, when psychologist Dorothy Tennov defined it in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. According to her, the main focus of limerence is the desire to find out if your limerent object reciprocates your feelings.

In addition to the longing for reciprocation, this desire can cause the person in limerence to idealize their limerent object, have intrusive thoughts about them, and fantasize about being in a relationship with them. These feelings can become so strong and overwhelming that the person finds it hard to focus on anything else, including work and social life.

That said, it’s noteworthy that limerence differs from obsessive love disorder (OLD) in that the latter is a more chronic condition characterized by extreme fixation on another person. However, if the person in limerence can’t cope with their feelings, they can still escalate into obsessive behaviors such as stalking, excessive jealousy, and compulsive fantasizing.

Stages of Limerence

These are the three stages of limerence:

1. Infatuation. In this stage, the individual in limerence is infatuated with their limerent object, whose unattainable nature makes them even more appealing. Heart palpitations, intrusive thoughts, and anxiety occur in such cases, stemming from the overwhelming desire for the other person.
2. Crystallization. At this point, limerent feelings intensify, and the person experiencing them begins to idealize their limerent object. They obsess over them and put them on a pedestal, believing they’re perfect.
3. Deterioration. In the final stage, the limerent begins to see the object of their desire in a more realistic light. The intensity of the feelings slowly wears off as the realization that the relationship is likely unsustainable settles in.

How Does Limerence Happen, and What Causes It?

Limerence happens through the interaction of various psychological, situational, emotional, and biological factors. These work together and gradually create a cycle of obsessive thoughts, intense longing, and emotional dependence.

Let’s look into some of the most common causes of limerence:

• Insecure attachment styles. The connection between insecure attachment styles and limerence stems from a heightened need for validation and fear of abandonment. Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles are driven by unresolved emotional needs, which can lead to limerence.
• Unresolved childhood trauma. Trauma survivors who haven’t fully processed their childhood wounds typically seek out someone who could save them or give them the love they need. For this reason, they can develop limerence in adulthood, resulting in emotional dependence on the person they idealize.
• Unfulfilled needs. Escaping feelings of emptiness and inadequacy can lead to limerent experiences. Individuals with unmet emotional needs are prone to idealizing others to distract themselves. Even unfulfilled physiological needs, such as sleep, can heighten emotional vulnerability, making it easier for limerence to take hold.
• Low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem can drive a person to seek external validation, especially from a person they admire. They desire reciprocity from the object of their affection, believing it would enhance their self-image and increase their self-worth.
• Life changes. Significant life changes, such as a cross-country move, the end of a long-term relationship, or a job change, can be quite stressful. In these situations, a person may feel the need for comfort and connection, which can lead to limerence.

Signs and Symptoms of Limerence

The signs and symptoms of limerence range from intrusive thoughts to elevated heart rate. This isn’t surprising since limerence is a physical state as well as emotional and cognitive.

Here are some common physical signs of limerence:

• Sleep disturbances
• Jitters or restlessness
• Loss of appetite
• Excessive perspiration
• Elevated heart rate
• Increased energy

Now, let’s take a look at some of the most common psychological symptoms of limerence:

• Obsessive and intrusive thoughts about the other person
• Idealization of the limerent object and interactions with them
• An intense sense of longing for connection with them
• Overwhelming need to find out whether they reciprocate the sentiment
• Feelings of euphoria following what you see as a positive interaction with them
• Feelings of despair after interactions you perceive as negative
• Intense dependency on the limerent object for validation and emotional support
• Fear of potential rejection or disinterest
• Neglect of other relationships, individual needs, and personal responsibilities

Limerence vs. Love: How to Tell the Difference

Limerence and love aren’t one and the same, although the person experiencing the former might confuse it for the latter. The main difference between the two concepts lies in the fact that limerence is an independent state—it’s rooted in a person’s perception, existing regardless of the limerent object’s feelings or actions.

On the other hand, when you’re in love, the other person and their emotions are also integral to the connection, creating a reciprocal bond rather than the self-focused obsession of limerence. You care about their well-being and see them for who they are, while in limerence, their importance is blown way out of proportion.

Additionally, an individual in love typically wants to have a relationship with the other person and commit to them. In contrast, a limerent doesn’t necessarily wish to form a genuine partnership or even have a physical connection with the limerent object.

For this reason, ‘limerence’ and ‘crush’ are also not synonymous. Instead of seeking some type of bond, a limerent’s primary concern is whether the other person feels the same way about them. In limerence, it’s more about the fantasy than its realization.

Now, let’s summarize the differences between love and limerence in a table:

Is Limerence Bad for Your Mental Health?

Limerence can be bad for your mental health, although it hasn’t been listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. In fact, Dorothy Tennov, the psychologist who coined the term, states that healthy people can experience limerence, recover from it, and go on with their lives.

That said, limerence can still interfere with your daily functioning, causing intrusive thoughts, an inability to focus, and trouble sleeping, among other things. With this in mind, it can disrupt the quality of your day-to-day life, essentially affecting your mental health as well as physical well-being.

In addition, people experiencing certain mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, are more prone to limerence than healthy individuals. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can also increase susceptibility to limerence due to obsessive thinking patterns and emotional vulnerability.

How to Deal With and Overcome Limerence

To deal with and overcome limerence, you need to acknowledge your feelings first. Focusing on self-love, practicing mindfulness, and seeking professional support can also help you break the cycle of obsession and foster emotional healing.

Let’s explore each of these strategies in more detail:

#1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step to overcoming limerence involves acknowledging your feelings and accepting them as part of your experience. This means recognizing what you’re going through is limerence and allowing yourself to process it instead of trying to push the emotions away.

It’s important not to be too hard on yourself—in fact, self-compassion can make it easier to navigate your emotions and gradually regain a sense of control. This brings us to the second step—self-love.

#2. Focus on Self-Love

Limerence often stems from low self-esteem, which is why you should focus on nurturing your sense of self to overcome it. Simply put, instead of fantasizing about another person fulfilling your emotional needs, you need to learn to love yourself first and find fulfillment within.

Self-care can help you break the pattern of obsessive longing and redirect your focus to personal growth and genuine well-being. Getting enough restful sleep, taking care of your diet, exercising, nurturing your friendships, and engaging in your hobbies are some simple ways you can regain control of your daily life and feel better in your own skin.

#3. Practice Mindfulness

Since limerence is an obsessive state, practicing mindfulness can help you manage intrusive thoughts, reduce emotional overwhelm, and stay present in the moment. Taking deep breaths, focusing on your environment, and guided meditation may interrupt ruminative thought loops and bring your attention back to reality.

With time, you’ll effectively retrain your brain by repeatedly redirecting focus. This will not only reduce the momentary effects of limerence but also weaken its hold over you in the long run, fostering inner stability and emotional resilience.

#4. Seek Professional Help

If limerence is taking over your day-to-day life and causing severe emotional distress, you might want to consider seeking professional help. A therapist can offer support and guidance, helping you understand and manage your feelings as well as develop healthier relationship patterns.

In addition, therapy may uncover any deeper issues driving your attachment and give you tools to regain emotional balance. As a result, you’ll be better equipped to set boundaries, challenge harmful thought patterns, and build genuine self-worth.

Limerence and Enneagram: Is There a Connection?

Limerence and Enneagram aren’t directly connected, although some personality types may be more prone to experiencing limerence than others. The reason behind this lies in their emotional patterns, fears, and desires.

Let’s see which Enneagram types are most likely to experience limerence:

• Type 2 (the Helper). Their strong desire to feel loved and needed can drive Helpers into a state of limerence when they believe that earning someone’s affection will prove their worth. This can lead to over-giving, people-pleasing, and an intense emotional attachment to someone who may not even reciprocate their feelings. To them, unrequited love can feel especially devastating, triggering their fear of being unlovable.
• Type 4 (the Individualist). Deeply romantic and idealistic, Individualists crave meaningful connections and often feel like something is missing in their lives. Because of this, they tend to idealize love and fixate on someone they believe embodies what they long for. They’re especially vulnerable to limerence when under stress or emotionally unfulfilled.
• Type 6 (the Loyalist). Loyalists tend to struggle with anxiety, seeking a sense of security. When they develop feelings for someone, they often wonder whether the person reciprocates their sentiment, thus they analyze every interaction with them. Their overthinking nature makes them prone to obsessive thoughts, especially if the relationship status is uncertain.
• Type 9 (the Peacemaker). Peacemakers often avoid conflict and struggle with prioritizing their own needs, so they may become fixated on someone else, projecting their desires and fantasies onto them. Limerence can serve as an escape from their own struggles, allowing them to get lost in daydreams rather than confronting their fears and focusing on their aspirations.

Understand Your Emotions Better With the Enneagram

Do you think you may be vulnerable to limerence but don’t understand why? There’s a way to get answers in just a few clicks; take our Enneagram test and learn more about your attachment style, core fears, and desires. This way, you’ll recognize how your personality traits influence your emotional connections and uncover ways to build healthier relationships.

Key Takeaways

As an emotional, cognitive, and physical state, limerence can interfere with different aspects of your daily life, leaving you drained and confused about what’s happening to you. You may even believe you’re falling in love when, in reality, you’re caught in an obsessive cycle of longing and idealization.

Recognizing the difference between limerence and love is the crucial first step in gaining clarity, after which you should focus on self-care and seek professional guidance if necessary. Taking an Enneagram test can also be rather useful, as it may offer insights into the underlying causes of your feelings and help you make healthier choices moving forward.

What Is Limerence? FAQ