A Covert Narcissist: Causes, Behaviors, and Traits

A covert narcissist is a person who has all the traits of a typical narcissist but doesn’t express them directly and openly as a typical, overt narcissist would. Consequently, identifying a covert narcissist proves to be significantly more challenging, as they often exhibit excellent social skills within their surroundings.

In this article, we’ll explain the difference between a covert and overt narcissist and explore how Enneagram types relate to this personality disorder.

Let’s start!

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

The covert narcissist meaning refers to a personality type with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder.

To understand the key covert narcissist traits and signs of covert narcissism, we’ll first explain what this phrase refers to.

So, a narcissist is a person who builds a false self-image and constantly emphasizes their personal value in order to be adored and admired by those around them.

In layman’s terms, these individuals are in love with themselves. They fantasize about incredible success and extraordinary abilities and have ideas about their superiority, uniqueness, and unprecedented beauty and intelligence.

On top of it, they need constant attention, admiration, and praise while they react violently or indifferently to criticism. In reality, they actually have a very low self-image, and their sense of self-worth depends on external validation.

Understanding the Key Traits of a Covert Narcissist

So, besides the typical narcissistic traits, here are the specific traits of covert narcissism:

• Hypocrisy. A Covert narcissist may appear to be very caring and considerate, even too kind, while they actually have a hidden agenda and only aim to protect their public image of a ‘good person.’
• Subtle manipulation. Covert narcissists use guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, and passive aggression instead of outright control to influence others.
• Passive superiority. Unlike overt narcissists who brag and highlight their superiority directly, covert narcissists highlight their superiority by making others feel inferior.

The Causes and Origins of Covert Narcissism

It is not easy to determine what causes covert narcissism, but in most cases, it is the combination of genetic factors and external influences like upbringing and parenting style that result in a narcissistic character.

A typical family environment in which a narcissistic personality develops includes parents who:

• Disregard the child’s emotional needs
• Show interest in the child only when they show exquisite achievements
• Perceive their child only as a reflection of their own self-image
• Are very critical whenever the child fails to live up to their expectations

In addition, a covert narcissist mother or father is very likely to bring up a covert narcissist child.

So, the child reacts by developing a false, grandiose self to please the expectations and earn the love of their parents, abandoning their authentic needs in the process.

Another scenario includes parents who live vicariously through the child, projecting their unfulfilled ambitions onto them while the child fails to develop their unique identity.

Nevertheless, not all children with such parents develop a narcissistic personality, which indicates that genetics and inherent temperament also play an important role. So, there can be many different origins of narcissism, but the key traits of covert narcissism are common for all types, regardless of the causes.

Key Differences Between Covert and Overt Narcissists

The key difference between covert narcissists vs. overt narcissists is in the way they express their key narcissistic traits. Both types of narcissists are equally self-centered, hungry for attention, incompassionate, and manipulative, but they come off in entirely different ways. Here’s a comprehensive overview of their most prominent differences:

8 Signs You Might Be Dealing With a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissist signs aren’t always easy to recognize, as these individuals are excellent at manipulating people using their own weaknesses against them. This is why it is even more important to learn to recognize narcissistic behavior.

Therefore, let’s go over some key signs you might be dealing with a covert narcissist:

#1. Emotional Manipulation

Recognizing narcissistic emotional manipulation is very hard, especially if you are a highly empathetic person. Moreover, narcissists generally tend to target highly sensitive, compassionate people as they are easy to manipulate, which makes the situation even more complicated.

Nevertheless, if you find yourself constantly feeling guilty and ashamed in a relationship with someone, that might be a strong indicator that you are being emotionally manipulated. Covert narcissists are experts in making you feel like you owe them something—that’s how they coerce other people to do things for them.

So, if the dominant feeling you have in a certain business or personal relationship is guilt, it is time to examine the connection and check if you’re being manipulated.

#2. Playing the Victim

The covert narcissists enjoy glorifying their sacrifice and portraying themselves as victims, painting the picture of themselves as being too good, too hardworking, etc.

They use such self-victimization to establish themselves as better than others, exploited for their superior qualities. This allows them to get external validation, sway people in their favor, and ultimately manipulate and exploit them in various ways.

#3. Envy

When they witness other people’s success, the covert narcissists will behave in a socially desirable manner, respecting the etiquette and displaying an image of a generous and well-mannered person. However, they will use every opportunity to belittle and make other’s success meaningless through cunning remarks.

That’s because they see other people’s qualities and achievements as a threat to their superiority and feel compelled to bring them down to ensure their superior position. Also, when other people succeed, it makes them feel inferior. This underlying feeling of inadequacy and inferiority makes them more determined to prove their superiority.

#4. Passive Aggressive Behavior

A covert narcissist uses very refined passive-aggressive techniques to point to other’s mistakes and shortcomings, subtly highlighting their own positive traits in contrast to others’ flaws. That’s one of the ways they ensure their narcissistic supply of validation. They are also great at giving backhanded compliments and making others feel inadequate or less worthy.

Another passive-aggressive tactic covert narcissists use to highlight their importance and uniqueness is to minimize their talents and accomplishments just to provoke others to defy them and reassure them of how great they are.

#5. Holding Grudges

For a covert narcissist, holding grudges is a strategy they use to justify their inadequate behavior. For example, they may repeatedly avoid doing something that they were asked to do without directly refusing to do it.

Then, when they are confronted with the fact that they didn’t do what they were expected to do, they justify that by recalling the injustice that they suffered previously.

In other words, holding grudges is one of the ways for a covert narcissist to justify their resentful, vengeful behavior.

#6. Vengefulness

Because they are so sure of their own greatness, covert narcissists are incapable of forgiving those who bring them down. Also, they just cannot seem to get over the fact that some people are better than them in some way.

For this reason, they weaponize themselves by memorizing others’ weaknesses and silently waiting for the opportunity to get back for an actual or perceived insult.

#7. Latent Competitiveness

Though they seem kind and amiable, their polite facade hides ruthless competitiveness. Covert narcissists don’t only want to prove they are the best at things that they are genuinely interested in or talented for; they want to be superior in every way possible.

Even though they enjoy bringing up morality and ethics, they are willing to cross the line whenever required to protect their status, reputation, or image.

#8. Shaming

Shaming is also one strategy that a covert narcissist uses to confirm their superiority and make others feel less worthy. However, unlike an overt narcissist, a covert narcissist will never openly and directly shame anyone.

They shame others by expressing how sorry they are for other’s flaws or mistakes, while the only reason they even bring up those shortcomings is to inspire shame in others.

What Triggers Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are triggered by anything that jeopardizes their inflated, grandiose self-image. Their identity and self-concept are very fragile and completely dependent on external validation, so it is very easy to make them feel insecure. However, they are very skilled at hiding their insecurities, so it is not easy to recognize when they are triggered.

With that in mind, here are some of the most typical triggers for covert narcissists:

• Criticism. Even benevolent, constructive feedback triggers a covert narcissist’s deepest fears. That’s because, deep down, they are afraid of being exposed as not being as special as they want.
• Not being recognized as special. A covert narcissist doesn’t just want attention; they want a confirmation of their superiority. So, when they feel like others don’t treat them any differently from others, they become silently enraged.
• Success of other people. Covert narcissists like to surround themselves with people who are not as successful, talented, or attractive as them because they can’t stand competition. Everyone is a rival to them, and life is a game in which they always have to win.
• Losing control. There are many subtle tactics covert narcissists use to control other people and their environment that range from narcissistic emotional manipulation to passive aggression. Their desire to maintain control over their public persona makes them feel the need to exert authority over those around them.

How Do Covert Narcissists Act in Romantic Relationships?

Covert narcissists act as ideal partners at the beginning of the relationship. They project an image of prince/princess charming, reflecting all the traits their partner wishes them to have. Moreover, they often have a chameleon-like quality and are very intuitive, which allows them to play many different roles with different people.

Nevertheless, despite the variety of roles they play, the following patterns are common for covert narcissists in relationships in general:

#1. Mr./Ms. Right

In the initial phase of the covert narcissist relationship, the covert narcissist seems like the partner you’ve been waiting forever to show up in your life. They are considerate, attentive, kind, warm, and seem honest and in love.

What they actually want is for you to believe that you’ll never find someone who’d love you as they do. This way, later on, when they show their real face, you stay hooked on the belief that somehow they will become perfect again if you do what they want you to do for them.

#2. Sophisticated Gaslighting

Covert narcissists, in their quest to maintain an image of perfection, often resort to gaslighting and other forms of reality manipulation to make themselves look better than they actually are.

These people are masters at inventing narratives that make them seem like the hero or victim, and they have no problem downplaying the feelings of their partners because they lack empathy.

#3. Extreme Yet Latent Jealousy

Since they are essentially deeply insecure and have a very fragile sense of personal value, they are naturally very jealous and feel easily threatened by anyone who shows any interest in their partner.

They need their partners to be absolutely committed to them so they would feel good about themselves, and they use all kinds of subtle emotional manipulation tactics to achieve this and secure their position in their partner’s life.

However, covert narcissists aren’t only jealous in a romantic sense but also in the sense that they perceive their partners as rivals. Moreover, they feel deeply resentful when their partner is more successful, recognized, or simply more desirable than they are.

#4. Emotional Neglect

Covert narcissists, like narcissists in general, attract and are attracted to highly sensitive, empathetic partners who feel compelled to heal their narcissistic wounds. However, blinded by the covert narcissist’s charm, their partners get lost in the narcissist’s emotional maneuvers easily until they find themselves emotionally drained.

That’s because covert narcissists are not the least interested in their partner’s personality—they only focus on the emotional benefit they get from them. For this reason, a narcissistic husband/wife is extremely emotionally demanding.

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist: 3 Tips

Dealing with a covert narcissist requires self-awareness and a strong sense of integrity. Any person in a relationship with a covert narcissist needs to know the following tips to keep their mental and emotional health in check:

#1. Set Clear Boundaries

You need to be very aware of how far you are willing to go for someone because covert narcissists will push your limits subtly until they break you. Don’t let them guilt-trip you into doing something you never wanted to do, and communicate your boundaries clearly and transparently.

#2. Remain Calm

Don’t allow the narcissist to pull you into their constant drama. Remain calm and take time before responding to their provocations. Bear in mind that whenever you react impulsively, they may use your own feelings to manipulate you.

#3. Focus on Your Personal Development

Covert narcissists gradually dominate other people's lives, depleting their resources and making them feel inferior and reliant on them. So, it is essential you stay in touch with your friends and family and keep working on your talents and aspirations. Don’t allow anyone to take all your attention and keep you away from accomplishing your own goals.

Enneagram and Covert Narcissism

The Enneagram is a holistic personality theory that encourages self-discovery and helps individuals understand their core motivations, emotions, behaviors, and reactions. In regards to covert narcissism, the Enneagram test can help understand the root causes of developing narcissistic traits.

While there’s no direct correlation between Enneagram and covert narcissism, it makes sense to assume that certain Enneagram types are more prone to narcissism than others.

For example, Enneagram Threes, in their unhealthy mode, show many narcissistic tendencies—they are overly competitive, insecure, grandiose, and obsessed with public image. Unhealthy Fours, in particular, are more likely to show some traits of covert narcissists, as they can be very self-absorbed and obsessed with proving their uniqueness.

On the other hand, Enneagram types that are primarily focused on others’ needs, like Types Two and Nine, are the least likely to develop narcissistic characteristics. In addition, they are usually the typical targets of narcissistic personalities due to their sensitive, empathetic nature.

Final Thoughts

While we hear a lot about narcissism, the truth is that this disorder isn’t as common as it might seem.

That’s partly because self-love has long been perceived as something negative. In truth, healthy narcissism is crucial for healthy psychological development, meaning that we all need a healthy dose of self-love.

The thing is, both overt and covert narcissists actually have a severe lack of self-love; they only accept idealized versions of themselves, which is the opposite of what healthy self-love is.

Covert Narcissist FAQ