Dark Empath: When Emotional Intelligence Becomes Toxic

The dark empath isn’t an official psychological diagnosis but refers to a set of personality traits that are common for people who use their empathy to take advantage of other people.

The key difference between a dark empath and a traditional empath is in the type of empathy they express. The former have highly developed cognitive empathy with a lack of emotional empathy, whereas the latter have all types of empathy well developed and are deeply compassionate.

In this article, we’ll go into detail and explain the psychology of dark empaths, including the ways you can recognize them.

Let’s start!

What Is the Psychology Behind a Dark Empath?

Dark empaths have many traits of people with psychopathic, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders, yet they don’t necessarily have any kind of personality or psychological disorder. They are usually well-adapted to their environment and even harder to recognize than narcissists and psychopaths because their behavior perfectly aligns with social expectations.

The three main dark empath symptoms/patterns they display are part of the so-called Dark Triad (a psychological concept that includes three key traits—narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy) which may or may not be a sign of a personality disorder.

• Machiavellianism. This term describes a tendency in a person to be cynical, exploitative, and manipulative. It comes from the Italian political philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, whose philosophy revolves around power and control. His theory's most famous tenet is that "the ends justify the means."
• Narcissism. The key patterns of narcissism include grandiosity, an exaggerated sense of self-entitlement, and insistence on one’s superiority. Narcissists also lack compassion, and while they can be well-adapted, they tend to perceive other people only as objects of gratification for their own needs.
• Psychopathy. Psychopathy includes a set of traits like lack of remorse, superficial charm, impulsivity, and deceitfulness. People with psychopathic personality disorder also have underdeveloped empathy.

6 Tell-Tale Signs of a Dark Empath

Recognizing a dark empath is challenging because they are very good at hiding their true nature. Therefore, we’ll explain the telltale signs of a dark empath and illustrate each with a real-life example.

#1. High Emotional Intelligence

While people generally connect high emotional intelligence with positive traits like empathy and understanding, it can also be connected with manipulation. People who are dark empaths use their ability to read people's emotional needs and understand them to exert emotional control over them.

For example, a dark empath knows exactly when their best friend is feeling down and lacking self-confidence. Instead of helping the friend feel self-confident again, the dark empath will use their weakness to keep them dependent on their approval.

#2. Passive-Aggressiveness

Dark empaths are great at giving backhanded compliments. They are full of rage but never show it directly. Instead, they use passive aggression to undermine others and ensure their own superiority.

They may say something like: “That dress looks great on you; it makes you look skinnier” or “You’ve done such a good job, considering how little expertise you have on the matter.” The thing is, they don’t ever give genuine compliments, as making others feel smaller is their way of keeping them under control.

#3. Calculated Compassion

Contrary to popular belief, dark empaths are capable of compassion. They might even have all three types of empathy—cognitive, emotional, and compassionate—highly developed. However, since they are centered on themselves, they use their compassion only as a means to manipulate and control others.

For example, they will only show compassion and help others in order to make them feel like they owe them something and then use others’ gratitude as leverage.

#4. Manipulative Tendencies

Manipulation is the only way dark empaths connect with other people. They simply don’t know what real emotional intimacy looks like, nor do they believe it is even possible to ask someone directly for a favor and get what they need. As a result, they manipulate others even when that’s not necessary.

In addition, some of the most common manipulative tactics they use include gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and emotional blackmail.

#5. Superficial Charm

Charm is a huge factor in the dark empath’s success. They are usually naturally charismatic and aware of the qualities that make them attractive to other people. Combined with high social intelligence and manipulation skills, their charisma allows them to climb high on the social ladder.

In addition, they not only charm others but also know exactly how to make them feel safe, protected, seen, and heard. Then, when they get people to be vulnerable with them, they later on use their weaknesses against them in a variety of cunning, subtle ways.

#6. Perfect Outlook

It is common for dark empaths to appear as though they have everything worked out in their lives. They seem self-confident, content, smart, and, most importantly, eager to share their luck with others to help and support them. Nevertheless, this façade of perfection is predicated on flimsy relationships and fleeting achievement.

Dark Empath vs. Narcissist vs. Traditional Empath: What Are the Differences?

Though it may not seem likely to confuse these three personality types, it happens very often. Therefore, let’s overview the key differences between them:

Dark Empath

Dark empaths often seem ‘too good to be true.’ Still, people easily love them without doubting their intentions because of their natural charm. It usually takes time to see through their manipulation because they appear genuine and honest while displaying a great deal of warmth, understanding, and compassion for others.

In addition, they are perfectly adapted and well-accepted in their environment, and most people around them never become aware of their true nature.

Typically, only a few (usually highly intuitive) people become suspicious about dark empaths’ intentions and behavior, but most fall for their superficial charm because they make other people feel good.

Traditional Empath

Traditional empaths aren’t as charming and seductive as dark empaths or narcissists. They are stable, honest, and highly attuned to others’ needs and feelings. Plus, due to their sensitivity, they may not appear as friendly and easygoing as the other two.

Narcissist

Narcissists bring fun and excitement with them. Unlike the other two, they don’t show up with compassion and understanding but with fun stories about their successes and achievements. They rarely brag openly, but they find a way to draw attention to themselves as they seek admiration and validation from others.

To sum up, here are the key differences between dark empaths, narcissists, and traditional empaths organized in a comprehensive table:

How to Deal With a Dark Empath: 5 Practical Strategies

Dealing with dark empaths isn’t easy, even for mature individuals who have firm personal boundaries, because it usually takes time to see through a dark empath’s behavior. So, here are some helpful strategies you can use to protect yourself from being manipulated by dark empaths:

#1. Recognize the Signs

Go through the dark empath telltale signs and make sure you understand and memorize them. None of the signs individually is indicative enough to reveal a dark empath, but if you notice someone displays all of them, there’s a high probability you’re dealing with one.

#2. Avoid Falling Into the Emotional Guilt Trap

Guilt-tripping is one of the most common tactics used by dark empaths to manipulate other people. By making you feel guilty, they ensure you feel like you owe them something, which allows them to blackmail you later and ask you for favors.

#3. Set Boundaries

Having strong boundaries is a natural repellent for dark empaths because they choose their victims wisely and carefully, meaning they select people who are highly empathetic and inclined toward people-pleasing.

Therefore, if you are highly sensitive and generally an empath by nature, you should be especially aware of dark empaths. Firm personal boundaries can help you stay focused on yourself and your needs instead of overextending yourself for the sake of others, including dark empaths.

#4. Don’t Accept Help You Didn’t Ask For

Dark empaths may seem super supportive and helpful when you meet them. You may be delighted with their enthusiasm and encouragement. However, be wary of accepting the help you did not ask for, as it may be used against you later on.

#5. Foster Self-Awareness

The better you know yourself, the less likely you are to be manipulated by anyone. That’s exactly where the Enneagram test helps you—by learning about your core motivation, fears, and weaknesses, you can learn to protect your well-being more efficiently while also working on developing your strengths.

Can Dark Empaths Change?

Dark empaths can change, but they aren’t naturally interested in change as long as their strategies work well for them. The thing is, they don’t really understand that there’s anything more to get from life than what they get through deceit and manipulation.

Moreover, they don’t believe in authentic emotional connections, and this attitude usually stems from deep disappointment in some important relationship in their life.

At some point, often very early in life, due to painful experiences or trauma of some kind, dark empaths decide not to allow themselves to be vulnerable. As a result, they become less and less sensitive not only to others’ needs but also to their own, while at the same time, they realize that their charm can provide them with many nice things in life.

So, in order to change, dark empaths usually need to experience some kind of major downfall in life to understand that manipulation will never get them what they actually need. But, the downfall itself is not enough.

They must also realize that change is essential to living a more fulfilled life, be willing to dedicate themselves to the process, and oftentimes seek professional help.

Which Enneagram Types Are Prone to Dark Empathy?

Enneagram types that are the most prone to dark empathy are Threes, Fours, and Eights. Though these three types are very different from each other, what connects them is that they can all be very self-absorbed and egocentric. However, they are prone to dark empathy only when they are unhealthy.

Unhealthy Threes are obsessed with status and public image and ready for anything to preserve them. Since they are socially intelligent, naturally charming, and intuitive, they easily read others and are quick to come up with ideas of how to manipulate them to achieve their goals.

Moreover, they easily disregard how people around them feel as they pursue their desires.

While they usually are a very compassionate Enneagram type, unhealthy Fours may be too overwhelmed with their intense feelings of inadequacy and, therefore, blind to others’ needs. On top of it, they may be too self-consumed, driven by the need to be recognized and admired as unique and exceptional, and thus use emotional manipulation to get validation from others.

Unhealthy Eights are the most prone to dark empathy. That’s because they are prone to neglecting their and others’ emotions even when they are healthy, so when they are unhealthy, they can be particularly cruel and insensitive. Plus, being power-hungry and ambitious, they are some of the best manipulators in the Enneagram.

How Prone to Dark Empathy Are You?

Ready to reveal your Enneagram personality type, learn your weaknesses, and unlock your strengths? Take our free Enneagram test and embark on the journey of self-discovery today!

Key Takeaways

To ensure you are able to recognize a dark empath and protect yourself from their toxic personality, let’s highlight key insights from this article:

• Dark empaths aren’t people with personality disorders; they are well-adapted, charming individuals who use their emotional intelligence to manipulate other people.
• Enneagram types that are most prone to dark empathy are Threes, Fours, and Eights.
• Taking an Enneagram test and exploring your type can help you protect yourself from dark empaths because the better you understand yourself, the less likely you are to fall victim to others’ manipulation.

Dark Empath FAQ